Since I started off talking about the purpose of this blog, it's only fair of me to share a little of my own personal history with Christianity and with Christians (such as it is) . . . and I think you'll see from reading even this brief outline of my spiritual journey that I am intimately familiar with the term "spiritual violence".
Let me start by sharing something about myself that I have told very few people (in fact only one person) about until now: For a very long time, beginning with my adolescence (and more specifically with a very traumatic event that occurred to me during adolescence), I have struggled with a condition known as Gender Identity Disorder. This means that at a fundamental level, I could not, for many years, conceive of myself as a man. For a long time, it was actually easier for me to see myself as (and pardon the cliche) a woman trapped in a man's body . . . this was a very deep personal (and private) dilemma I struggled with for many years, and I have only recently managed to get a firm grasp on what was going on, thanks to a series of conversations I have had with a dear friend over the past few months.
As anyone in the GLBT community can attest, the overall attitude and pronouncements of conservative Christianity constitute a source of deep emotional and spiritual pain. For a transexual (the T in GLBT) like myself, it is doubly hard to be part of a Christian community because while homosexuality and bisexuality have become fairly accepted in the United States, to be a cross-dresser or to view yourself as a member of the opposite sex is still considered aberrational enough to warrant severe alienation from others. (NOTE: While I have been working on ways to cope with my status as a man, I will always, at some level, consider myself a transexual, and therefore a part of the GLBT community.)
On top of this (to me) normal, everyday tension with Christianity and with church in general, I witnessed a horrible series of internal fights at my parents' church when I was growing up that eventually ended in an even more horrible church split when I was in college. Since that time, I have witnessed the self-destruction of two more churches (one of which I served a leadership role in), the slow dissolution of a campus ministry I was fond of (and participated in) as a result of "moral failures" in its leadership, and a plethora of personal attacks from well-meaning Christian friends who sincerely believed they were helping me in my "spiritual walk"--and were sincerely wrong.
I have seen more infighting, emotional manipulation, and spiritual tyranny within the context of conservative Christianity than many people will experience in two or three lifetimes--it's really a miracle I'm still walking erect, let alone that I have faith in God, after everything I've experienced, particularly over the past 6 years since I moved to what is affectionately known as the "buckle" of the Bible Belt: Fort Worth, Texas.
As this blog continues, I'll probably flash back to some of these experiences from time to time (any one of which I'm sure could make for a national best seller :)).
Before I end today's entry, though, I'd like to talk about something that happened as I was writing it.
I work (and study) at TCU, and like most students, I come to the TCU Library computer lab whenever I want to have access to the internet. As I was sitting at my work station today, this extremely hot blonde girl with a green top was sitting perpendicular to me, observable from behind my computer screen. And I sat back and said to myself, disinterestedly, "hmm, that student has a fine figure" . . .
My friend, if you believed that last sentence, then you are officially naive. :)
I have found that one of the biggest topics Christians have a problem being honest about . . . is sex. Therefore, as my personal act of Sabbath breaking, I intend to talk very frankly about my experiences and perspectives regarding sexuality and gender identity, as I have in this blog. (This may, in fact, be one of the more G-rated of my posts.)
I know that for some Christian readers, this level of honesty may be somewhat shocking, but I think that in the interests of promoting open and honest conversation, it is important for me to be open and honest as well.
Let me start by sharing something about myself that I have told very few people (in fact only one person) about until now: For a very long time, beginning with my adolescence (and more specifically with a very traumatic event that occurred to me during adolescence), I have struggled with a condition known as Gender Identity Disorder. This means that at a fundamental level, I could not, for many years, conceive of myself as a man. For a long time, it was actually easier for me to see myself as (and pardon the cliche) a woman trapped in a man's body . . . this was a very deep personal (and private) dilemma I struggled with for many years, and I have only recently managed to get a firm grasp on what was going on, thanks to a series of conversations I have had with a dear friend over the past few months.
As anyone in the GLBT community can attest, the overall attitude and pronouncements of conservative Christianity constitute a source of deep emotional and spiritual pain. For a transexual (the T in GLBT) like myself, it is doubly hard to be part of a Christian community because while homosexuality and bisexuality have become fairly accepted in the United States, to be a cross-dresser or to view yourself as a member of the opposite sex is still considered aberrational enough to warrant severe alienation from others. (NOTE: While I have been working on ways to cope with my status as a man, I will always, at some level, consider myself a transexual, and therefore a part of the GLBT community.)
On top of this (to me) normal, everyday tension with Christianity and with church in general, I witnessed a horrible series of internal fights at my parents' church when I was growing up that eventually ended in an even more horrible church split when I was in college. Since that time, I have witnessed the self-destruction of two more churches (one of which I served a leadership role in), the slow dissolution of a campus ministry I was fond of (and participated in) as a result of "moral failures" in its leadership, and a plethora of personal attacks from well-meaning Christian friends who sincerely believed they were helping me in my "spiritual walk"--and were sincerely wrong.
I have seen more infighting, emotional manipulation, and spiritual tyranny within the context of conservative Christianity than many people will experience in two or three lifetimes--it's really a miracle I'm still walking erect, let alone that I have faith in God, after everything I've experienced, particularly over the past 6 years since I moved to what is affectionately known as the "buckle" of the Bible Belt: Fort Worth, Texas.
As this blog continues, I'll probably flash back to some of these experiences from time to time (any one of which I'm sure could make for a national best seller :)).
Before I end today's entry, though, I'd like to talk about something that happened as I was writing it.
I work (and study) at TCU, and like most students, I come to the TCU Library computer lab whenever I want to have access to the internet. As I was sitting at my work station today, this extremely hot blonde girl with a green top was sitting perpendicular to me, observable from behind my computer screen. And I sat back and said to myself, disinterestedly, "hmm, that student has a fine figure" . . .
My friend, if you believed that last sentence, then you are officially naive. :)
I have found that one of the biggest topics Christians have a problem being honest about . . . is sex. Therefore, as my personal act of Sabbath breaking, I intend to talk very frankly about my experiences and perspectives regarding sexuality and gender identity, as I have in this blog. (This may, in fact, be one of the more G-rated of my posts.)
I know that for some Christian readers, this level of honesty may be somewhat shocking, but I think that in the interests of promoting open and honest conversation, it is important for me to be open and honest as well.
posted by Brian Bly at 1:15 PM
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