The last statement (from my last post) was my epitaph--and my bane.

Living without love, my friends, is a horrible way to live. I cried most of the time when I was alone and there was no one in the room (or in the house) to hear me--and I shouted to the heavens sometimes for a way to end my pain. I saw other people embracing, laughing, holding hands, or kissing each other, and I wanted, longed, for someone to share those things with. Most of all, I despised myself for a long time (many years, in fact) for (in my mind) abandoning people and relationships I cared about in favor of someone else's standard--a standard I did not believe in (and never have).

All of these things flashed through my mind the instant I entered the club and sat down, and a deep source of inner tension and self-hatred unraveled inside me.

I came out of the club having been overwhelmed by the things I had seen and experienced--and during the next 2 days, I discovered that I had been irrevocably changed as a result. Something was different about me--I had "become" something other than what I was when I first walked in the doors of the Lounge on Friday night.

It came across at first as a motherlode of confidence that I had never exhibited before around other people (I have had more enjoyable, and more open, conversations with people I know in real life than I'd had in the 2 weeks previous to my outing), and I also noticed a feeling of "connectedness" to my body, an awareness of myself as a physical being, which I had never before possessed.

I was qualitatively different in my personality, my character, and my attitude toward life. I was . . . me.

Then, on Sunday morning, I came to church--and as the worship service started, I sang so loudly and confidently that the woman in front of me turned around afterwards and said, "You have a beautiful voice." (After the church service, I went on to have a 2 hour conversation with a man I had just met--and for those of you reading this who know me in real life, that should come across to you as a miracle of biblical proportions. :))

I felt taller, more confident, more aware of myself and my surroundings, and more happy than I had ever been in my entire life--and this state of being continues today (and, I suspect, will continue permanently). And I've noticed that having this experience has given me access to other people in a way that not having it didn't--I can talk with my friends at work now about things like dancing, drinking beer, and the local music scene (even though I didn't drink any beer--or anything else) (and even though I didn't actually dance on the dance floor itself--instead, I sat in my chair and grooved to the house beats from there).

(I am such a loser . . . )

:)

I have something in common now with almost every student, and every person, I meet--and because I chose to go to one of the top clubs in DFW, I suddenly seem to have amassed a degree of "coolness" among my friends and associates that I didn't have before. (It's kind of ridiculous, actually--I feel like I've joined some sort of special "coolness" association just because I stayed out somewhere until 3am and paid an obscene amount of money for cab fare in order to get home.)

Most of all (and this is important), neither I nor anyone else at the club did anything wrong. There were no people doing crystal meth, there was no stripping (though, in my mind, there should have been:)), and there was no pressure for people to do what in their hearts they knew to be wrong or harmful to themselves. I never touched a drop of alcohol all night, and no one seemed to mind.

Mostly, the people there were interested in one thing: having a good time.

Now, if you're a conservative Christian, and you're reading my blog, you probably want to say something like "well, people can have a good time without drinking or engaging in promiscuous sex." I agree with you--I had a transformational time Friday night, and I never even spoke with one of the women there (and, as I said earlier, never drank). However, I also respect the fact that others came (and wanted to come) intending to become inebriated, or to dance with someone who might share a passionate night of love with them. After all, this world has too many assholes looking to destroy others for their own gain--or to satisfy their own beliefs--and maybe, just maybe, it is less important that people search for meaning in "acceptable" ways, than that they search for meaning at all.