I had a personal dilemma today while I was in downtown Fort Worth. This is one to which, I suspect, most Christian males can relate to a certain extent, though it is, perhaps, more aggravated for someone who is (and has been) transexual.

I walked into Barnes and Noble downtown, which at that particular location is a two story complex that contains a coffee bar that is restaurant size. This location also has a rather palatial newsstand section with easy chairs, sofas, and coffee tables. I used one of these coffee tables as a resting place for my backpack while I got something out of it, and there before me was a little Sports Illustrated--Swimsuit Edition display filled with copies of SI's annual homage to the male libido.

At this point in the story, the dilemma every conservative Christian male is intimately familiar with rears its ugly head. :)

I was faced with a simple question: Do I pick up a copy, or not?

I think there were very legitimate reasons for me to pick up a copy. After all, I had never owned one before, not because I didn't want to but because the conservative Christian culture in which I grew up strictly associated "Swimsuit Edition buyer" with terms like "pervert" or "un-Christian", so it was potentially a milestone of emotional independence and adulthood for me.

Of course, there were also very legitimate reasons for me not to pick up a copy, not the least of which is the personal recovery program I have been imposing on myself after binging heavily on pornography over the spring, summer, and fall of 2005. As a recovering . . . sex-a-holic :) . . . I was faced with the question, "Is this a step forward or a step back?"

Ultimately, I decided it was a step back. I didn't buy the issue.

However (and this will no doubt be a familiar experience for some Christian male readers), I spent 10 minutes staring at the issue, then pacing around the magazine section, the walking out of the store, then walking back into the store, then walking back out of the store, before resolving finally to stick with my second option (and my instincts).

Three or four years ago, I would have been inclined to believe the nonsense that a charismatic Christian (and my experience has mostly been limited to charismatic and anabaptist circles) would use to explain the event. You know the story--and if you don't, it goes something like this:

"I was tempted by the Devil. He tried to get me to do something neither Jesus nor I wanted to do. I almost gave in, but I beat him in the end. Thus have I proven my spiritual superiority."

This, quite simply . . . is ridiculous. :)

Human beings are, at their core, sexual. They are many other things, of course, but to deny the sexual-ness of the human spirit is, in my opinion, to deny at a basic level who we are. I think part of my transexuality can be traced to this very point--that during my teenage years, because of my conservative religious upbringing, I did not accept the fundamental truth that part of being a man is having an appetite for women.

Personally, I think the truth of the Christian encounter with sexuality (and with displays thereof) is something like this:

"I have a natural attraction to the female body, and I want to express that reaction in a positive way--but because I have not been told that God looks favorably on my sexual appetites, I will instead repress my sexuality, therefore aggravating those urges beyond the point at which I can express them appropriately or non-destructively."

Note that in the above statement, I never said anything about expressing sexual appetite or desire in a way that is threatening, violent, or demeaning to the opposite sex (or to oneself). I also never said anything about allowing Christian males to do whatever the hell they want. We are, after all, a society of laws and of people--and an appropriate respect for both should be a primary consideration in any decision we make (whether or not it has to do with sexuality).

I am simply saying that a healthy attitude toward sexuality, like a healthy attitude toward anything else, involves a willingness to conceive of sexuality as something enjoyable, pleasurable, and fun. (For all their foibles, this is something people outside of Christianity are better at accepting, for the most part, than the supposedly "happy, joyful, and free" Christian community.) It is not a drudgery, or a curse, or a "temptation"--it is simply a biological function that is as natural as breathing, eating, and sleeping.