I had a very interesting (and unexpected) conversation with a less-than-sober man who drove me home at 3:30am this morning. He told me about his life, said he was going through a pretty rough divorce (which was to be finalized in the next few weeks), and had been spending a lot of money in strip clubs (he spent most of his time talking on a cell phone to one of the strippers as he was driving me home). Obviously, he was a man who had issues (:)), but he also struck me as a good-hearted man who wanted (and craved) to do the right thing, even in spite of his imperfections. (After all, it isn't every day that someone volunteers to drive a male TCU student home at 3:30am, and I was quite thankful for the ride (and for not having to spend $20 on cab fare).)

What was most interesting to me about the trip was his incessant need to prove that he was a decent man and a family man after telling me he went to a strip club. He asked me if I was a Christian, and he repeatedly mentioned his attendance (and service) at a local church as a counterbalance to his nocturnal activities.

I kept thinking, "Why on Earth does this man feel so double-minded about his desires and wants--and what kind of religious mindset drove him to the point of not admitting to himself what he is, and who he is (and has been)?"

This dovetailed, in my mind, with a visceral reaction I had to a song I listened to on a Christian station over the weekend. I don't remember all the words, but the first stanza went something like this:

Everything I want
Is tearing me apart
And I know
That it's a dagger to your [God's] heart

My visceral reaction was to say (to the radio), "What do you care what God thinks about what you're doing, if you really want it?"

It didn't make any sense to me--in my experience, either you want something, or you don't--and if you don't, that's okay. If you want money, or endless sex, or power, or fame, then those are (for you) acceptable ambitions, and I wish you the best of luck in achieving them--but if you want something else, like self-improvement or a better relationship with God, then what would make you claim you want something that (to you) is diametrically opposed to those pursuits?

Paul talks about this mindset in his epistles--and while some Christians today might find it heroic, he had another name for it: double-mindedness.

The following are some examples of single-minded activities (some good, some bad):

1. On September 11, 2001, over a dozen Saudis committed to Osama bin Laden's struggle against the United States chose to infiltrate, take over, and destroy 4 jumbo jets, knowing full well that their bodies would die in fire.

2. In a move that she probably knew would cause her intense pain and suffering, Rosa Parks decided that it was more important to retain her dignity as a human being than to accede to a system of racial brutality that caused African Americans like her to be treated unfairly (and cruelly) on their daily trips to work.

3. In 2002, two men engaged in a season-long shooting spree that terrorized residents of northern Virginia, Maryland, and Delaware. I'm not sure what their mission was (other than chaos), but their actions were definitely single-minded.

4. In autumn of 1962, John F. Kennedy did whatever he could to avert a nuclear war with the Soviet Union, while maintaining America's position of sovereignty.

5. On highest authority, a crew of pilots and bombadiers flew a plane dubbed the Enola Gay over a little coastal city called Hiroshima and unleashed the deadliest signle weapon man ever invented for violence against man.

6. Through force of will, Bill Clinton negotiated the Dayton Accords (which settled the war in Bosnia), the 7 year peace pact between Israel and Palestine, and ratified the Kyoto Treaty.

I could go on and on, and you can probably think of examples closer to home, but the point is that regardles of their intent and consequences, these are the actions of men and women who know what they want and do not apologize for going after it. (They are also the actions of people capable of taking responsibility for their poor, or successful, life choices.)

My point?

(You know there is one. :))

We often lie to ourselves about what we want and what we say we want--and this is the essence of what Paul calls double-mindedness. It isn't necessarily a state of conscious betrayal (even conscious betrayal is an act of single-mindedness, even if it is also an act of disloyalty), but a disconnect between what we say we want and what our actions clearly indicate that we do want.

Personally (and I'll probably get in trouble for saying this), I think there should be a lot more straight-up pagans in this society. After all, if that's what people want to be--in the dark, at night, when nobody else is watching--then as far as I'm concerned, they should be able to pursue that aspect of who they are to the fullest . . . which I suspect would also prompt people who want to believe in Christ to express their desire to the fullest. Whether good or bad, vampire or vixen, charitable or insulting, there is nothing wrong with being who you are--and there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to explore who you are.

Self-improvement is good, and it is important, but it is (I've learned) impossible without a clear articulation (even if only to yourself) of what you have wanted out of life, and what you will strive to achieve in life.