I mentioned in my previous post that I spent a majority of my adolescence pursuing an avid interest in the occult. My interest in things dark and gloomy began fairly early in life, through my reading of a mystery novel series that combined elements of sleuthing with the dark, the sadistic, and the macabre. One of my favorite scenes from one of these novels, and one I remember in vivid detail to this day, was one in which, as three boys (who serve as the amateur crime-solvers in these novels) are tracing evidence in a mystery, they bed down in a tent for the night. Suddenly, one of the boys (the one most likely to panic, of course) wakes up to discover a skull grinning next to his face.

I cannot recall a time when I wasn't interested in the darker aspects of the human existence, particularly the darker aspects of the supernatural. From my first exposure to horror films, I was mesmerized by the genre--fascinated by the irrational places of the human psyche that it touched. And of course, with this interest--and an accompanying suspicion of religion or belief touted as "correct", came a corresponding interest in things labeled "of the devil".

My fascination with the dark coalesced into a fully fledged captivation with mysticism, the occult, and Satanism during my teenage years. I made deals with Satan, I put myself under Satan's guardianship, and I evangelized other teenagers at my high school for Satan. I would have these regular private mystical sessions when my parents were away from home, when I would turn up the radio, play metal music as loud as I could, and zone out into the supernatural.

I had a few demonic friends. One of them was a majestic dark-haired "queen of the night" who eventually enveloped my every waking thought--the other one was her brother. My relationship with this "woman" was quite unique--she and I had a love affair, and during this time, became bonded to each other in matrimony as dominatrix and dominated. Her brother taught me things about the underworld, and how the cosmic history of the universe was a contest between two halves of a reality that had been split in two (between "good" and "evil") a long time before human beings became aware of their history.

Eventually, though, I got tired of the Satanist thing--it didn't seem to be leading me anywhere except the same place I had always occupied--and though my demonic friends weren't exactly happy with my leaving them and moving on . . . I did.

Now, you the reader may ask, "Why are you writing about this in a Christian blog?"

For starters, it was something I needed to explain, as it was mentioned in my last post. :)

Also . . . I think too many Christians, particularly Christians who have become believers in Christ after "walking on the wild side", are too afraid to deal with the dark side of the soul, and with the dark side of their memories. Processing the past, in all its dark and gruesome qualities, is part of learning to maturely handle the present and future . . . and someone who is out of sorts with himself all the time is not a very convincing testimony of God's power to do anything.

There is a reason why people see Christians as "pseudo-happy" or "fake" or "hypocritical"--and it is because in many cases, that is what people who go by the name "Christian" are. People who run away from their pasts, people who are afraid to come out and play with the darker side of life, people who can't deal with reality . . . this is what turns non-Christians off about Christianity and its adherents.

Personally, I don't believe in adopting a "binge and purge" perspective toward life--or any aspect of life. It used to be my attitude toward sexuality--I was a deviant if I did ____ and I needed to come before God on my knees and repent in dust and ashes if I wanted to appease him. This attitude, I believe, more than anything else, is what has hampered me from constructing a view of myself, my body, and my sexuality that is mature, responsible, and healthy. It also, by the way, will lead to the kind of nonsensical "commandments" that often come out of the church, such as that anything beyond holding hands when dating constitutes a sin (or that dating itself is a sin).

Please . . . let's not forget, ladies and gentlemen, that becoming a Christian does not excuse one from the responsibility of also being an adult. If we cannot handle "off color" conversations on "off color" topics without yelling and screaming at each other, then I seriously doubt our Christianity, or our adulthood.